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How do we rate ourselves? Low self-esteem: a variable that can be changed Good self-esteem write to yourself

Self-esteem, according to psychologists, is the quality that allows us to reach unprecedented heights and self-satisfaction or turn into a worthless creature without any pretensions.

Definition of self-esteem
The definition of self-esteem sounds like this: self-esteem is the process and result of a person's assessment of their own qualities and merits.
Thus, self-esteem consists of two subspecies:
- self-esteem of a person - how a person evaluates himself and his position in life;
- specific situational self-assessment - how a person assesses himself in any particular situation.

The subject of interest of psychologists in everyday life is most often the first type - the self-esteem of the individual.

Self-esteem

A person with a sufficiently high level of self-esteem is confident in himself, does not get lost in a difficult situation and is not afraid to set some difficult and difficult goals for himself. And most often he succeeds.

Low self-esteem, on the other hand, prevents us from realizing our desires and goals.
Interestingly, the level of a person's self-esteem may not correspond at all to his actual qualities and capabilities. This is primarily because self-esteem is influenced by many factors:

- opinion and attitude of other people;
- the degree of success;
- the level of self-esteem that a person seeks to achieve (aspirations);
- an individual's opinion of himself;
- emotional condition;
- the degree of self-confidence;
- confidence or lack of confidence in their own ability to adequately respond in a difficult situation.

Sometimes you yourself may realize that you value yourself too low. But if you are too shy or you are constantly convinced (or even still convinced) that you are not capable of anything, then most likely you do not even have a thought to doubt the assessment of others. In such cases, you need the help of a specialist. After all, a correction started on time, with your, of course, a great desire, can bring wonderful results.

People who decide to meet with a psychologist learn to look at their actions, successes and failures from the other side, to treat themselves with great respect and trust.
To begin with, the psychologist will determine your level of self-esteem. You will be offered special tables, with the help of which the psychologist finds out the features of a person's self-esteem, determines its adequacy and gives recommendations for correction.

Adequate self-esteem

Adequate self-esteem is high, low, or moderate. If we are talking about overestimated or underestimated self-esteem, then it does not fit the definition of adequate.
Adequate self-esteem in this case means a correct assessment of one's capabilities, abilities and position in life.

The adequacy of self-esteem is determined by a psychologist by analyzing the real and desired (ideal) claims and capabilities of a person. A high level of self-esteem is usually characteristic of successful, self-confident people who set realistic goals and have enough strength and ability to achieve them.

Low self-esteem is formed in people who are too shy, trying to avoid difficult situations and decisive actions. However, both examples relate to adequate self-esteem.

However, it happens that a person evaluates himself and his capabilities too highly, unjustifiably elevates himself above the people around him, or vice versa. Such people fall under the definition of individuals with inadequate, high or low self-esteem.

Features of self-esteem

The level of a person's self-esteem is formed from childhood. Parents, indulging the child in everything and praising him literally for any insignificant reason, are unlikely to do the right thing, since they risk raising a person with high self-esteem, which in the future can have a very bad effect on him.

Psychologists, studying the features of self-esteem, have found that this factor can depend on age and even gender.
In this regard, many studies have been written on the characteristics of self-esteem of primary school children, the characteristics of self-esteem of adolescents, and so on.

Different characteristics of self-esteem can also manifest themselves in different situations. For example, one and the same person is able to relate differently to himself and determine his capabilities in the workplace, surrounded by friends or in everyday private life.

Woman's self-esteem

A woman's self-esteem can also have some peculiarities. Today, for example, one of the most studied topics is the features of self-esteem of women suffering from infertility.
The self-esteem of a woman is generally different from the self-esteem of men. The main reason, psychologists believe, is that the modern woman, although she has more opportunities, nevertheless deliberately denies herself some claims.

For example, only a small number of the fair sex allows themselves to apply for a high leadership position or a bright political career. Often, as already mentioned, a woman denies herself this of her own free will, guided by the fact that these desires are characteristic of men and are approved by society as purely masculine claims.

Of course, this factor does not have the most favorable effect on a woman's self-esteem, especially if she has enough strength and ability to achieve her goal.

Self-assessment test

As already stated, defining self-esteem is a psychologist's job. However, if you are interested in this topic, you can try to determine your level of self-esteem using popular self-assessment tests adapted for the general public.

For these purposes, I have chosen a simple self-assessment test that you can analyze on your own.
You are offered a series of questions to which you need to answer from the options presented. Each answer corresponds to a certain number of points, which you will need to calculate after passing the test.

Answer options
Almost always - 4
Often - 3
Sometimes - 2
Occasionally - 1
Never - 0

Self-Assessment Test Questions

1. I am subject to unnecessary worries.
2. I need the support of friends.
3. I am afraid to seem more stupid than I am.
4. I am not sure about my future.
5. I look worse than others.
6. I often get upset because people don't understand me.
7. I feel insecure when I have to talk to other people.
8. I don't live up to other people's expectations
9. I often feel stiff.
10. I always expect trouble.
11. I feel that I depend on the opinions of people.
12. It seems to me that people are discussing me as soon as I leave the premises.
13. I am not sure of my own safety.
14. There is no one to whom I can tell what I think about.
15. When I am successful at something, other people do not attach sufficient importance to it.

Self-assessment test analysis

Your result is less than 10 points ... Unfortunately, you have signs of high self-esteem, you have something to work on. You often get involved in conflicts that arose from your own submission. People are put off by your arrogance, which makes it so difficult for you to form friendships and close relationships. Try to correctly determine the reality of the level of your capabilities and aspirations.

Your result is more than 30 points. Here, too, there is work to do - in contrast to the example above, you clearly have low self-esteem. Try to treat yourself with great respect and self-confidence. Trust people and they will help you increase your self-esteem.

Your result is between 10 and 30 points. You can be congratulated - your adequacy and level of self-esteem are in perfect order. In a difficult situation, you are quite capable of dealing with yourself and even helping those who are not so confident in themselves.

This self-esteem test, of course, cannot be considered an accurate diagnosis of your level, however, it will allow you to understand what criteria are used to determine self-esteem.

On my own I want to add - believe in yourself and your strength. Don't let other people's opinions and circumstances get the best of you. If you doubt the adequacy of your own self-esteem or want to improve its level, it is best to contact a specialist who will give individual recommendations and help you cope with the situation.

Remember: often the reason for our failures is not the inability to achieve what we want, but the lack of confidence in our abilities.
A source

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Throughout life, a person regularly receives an assessment of his personality from the people around him. Appearance, words and deeds are subject to discussion. At the same time, we ourselves have an opinion about ourselves, in accordance with which we act in society.

What is self-esteem

This is the level of a person's understanding of himself, his positive and negative qualities, assessing your personality, part of the self-concept.

Self-perception is inextricably linked to the degree of self-love. The more a person loves himself, the more adequate and higher his self-esteem is.

Self-esteem of a person is a very significant indicator and has an impact on how a person's life will turn out. Confidence in your own merits, faith in your own strengths allows you to achieve success. And on the contrary, humiliation, feelings of guilt and shame, unjustified shyness interfere with the manifestation of inner needs and their realization. Basic self-esteem is formed in childhood itself, but this is a category that can change over time and must be corrected.

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Types of personality self-esteem in psychology

In psychology, there are three types of self-esteem. The classification is carried out on the basis of the degree of conformity of a person's conceit with objective data. The more real a person evaluates himself, the more successful relationships with people develop and the higher is his success in all spheres of life.

Adequate self-esteem

With this type of self-perception, a person's assessment coincides with reality. A person is soberly aware of his strengths and weaknesses, knows the possibilities and needs, determines the inner potential.

Such a person is capable of self-criticism and work on mistakes. Deficiencies are eliminated and strong characteristics are cultivated.

Inadequate self-esteem

Distorted self-esteem suggests that a person's opinion of themselves is far from objective. Radical self-perception can be overestimated or underestimated, when a person either does not accept himself at all, or believes that he possesses those qualities that are not actually inherent in him. Inadequate self-esteem interferes with communication and professional achievement.

Mixed self-esteem

In this case, a person in different periods of life treats himself differently, sometimes he shows more confidence, then he becomes weak and notorious.

We can also talk about a mixed form if we really look at ourselves in terms of some qualities, and inadequately in relation to other characteristics. For example, we confidently realize ourselves in the profession, and in our personal life we ​​consider ourselves unworthy of a suitable partner.

Self-esteem

The level of self-esteem depends on the degree of a person's love for oneself and comparison with other people.

Underestimated

A person with low self-esteem treats himself without much warmth, he is not satisfied with the way his life is developing.

In external manifestations, such are expressed:

  • frequent self-criticism;
  • feeling of guilt regularly;
  • desire to please other people;
  • fear of doing something wrong.

At the same time, a person has good objective data, there is potential, but because of the fear of making a mistake, they are often not realized.

Low

The most undesirable level of self-assessment, which does not allow building successful relationships and achieving results.

A person with low self-esteem is shown by the following manifestations:

  • apologies to the place and out of place;
  • neurotic guilt;
  • constant justifications for their words and actions;
  • lack of initiative due to complete lack of confidence in their abilities.

With low self-esteem, there is always an "impostor complex." If a person has achieved success, has done something well, he will say that this is an accident and there is no merit in it.

His speech is replete with phrases such as: "I'm not sure", "I can't, I won't succeed." By the way, perfectionism is a manifestation of low and low self-esteem. Everyone knows examples when girls, seemingly with an ideal appearance, which many can only dream of, torture themselves with diets, go under the knife of plastic surgeons and earn severe pathologies.

Normal

Having a normal self-esteem of a person is a great success for a person! People are fully aware of their pros and cons, take their virtues and sins for granted, and they try to correct them. A person respects and loves himself.

In external manifestations, such self-perception is expressed as follows:

  • the ability to make decisions and be responsible for them;
  • calm expression of your opinion;
  • adequate perception of criticism from the outside;
  • realistic expectations.

A person who evaluates himself normally lives easily, calmly, harmoniously, she has many friends, she has all the opportunities for a successful personal life. The likelihood of the appearance of mental and psychosomatic diseases is small. With a sense of guilt, a person does not gnaw himself, realizes mistakes, corrects and moves on.

High, inflated

The essence of high and overestimated self-esteem is the same - a distorted self-image in the direction of praising the merits and ignoring the shortcomings. An overestimated self-perception for a person is better than an underestimated one, since it allows one to move forward. But such people have few close friends; they often remain alone.

Characteristics of a person with high self-esteem:

  • , narcissism;
  • intolerance to any criticism;
  • unshakable confidence in their righteousness;
  • blaming the failures of others;
  • lack of the habit of asking for forgiveness, even if it is to blame;
  • constant rivalry with colleagues and friends;
  • lack of desire and skills to listen to the opponent.

Such a person is not interested in people, in principle. He often boasts, talks about his successes, considers himself underestimated. The individual believes that the whole world should revolve around him, he does not ask, but orders.

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Self-assessment functions

The description and content of the functions of personality self-esteem, as a basic concept in psychology, are given in the table.

What influences the formation of self-esteem

Self-esteem is laid in a person from early childhood.

  • It matters how parents show their love for their child... If love is unconditional, does not depend on good behavior, such a child grows up with normal or high self-esteem. When he realizes that he will be loved only for something (he put away the toys, got an excellent mark, took out the trash), then in adulthood a person will believe that he cannot be loved just like that, but a good attitude must be earned.
  • A big role is played by the attitude of parents to the successes and failures of the baby.... A positive role in the formation of self-esteem is played by such value judgments of parents as: "You will cope with this", "Such a smart kid will definitely do it."

Accordingly, statements in the spirit of: "They do not ask you", "You understand a lot", "Well, as always, you are armless" for many years lay a person's mind that he is "bad", good for nothing, stupid, inept, etc.

Self-esteem can drop in adulthood. For example, a person tries to build a career, works a lot, improves his qualifications, but there is no career growth. The person begins to doubt his abilities. If self-esteem was initially normal, the reason for the failure will be found. Low self-esteem can drop even further.

Women are often deliberately devalued by the men with whom they are in close relationships. A notorious partner deliberately humiliates his wife or girlfriend in order to be able to impose his will on her. The woman begins to be perplexed and analyze what is wrong with her. If parents instilled respect and love for themselves, then the girl will part with a toxic partner, if not, she will suffer and prove her need for an inappropriate man.

Self-esteem correction methods

It is imperative to improve self-esteem. It's never too late to learn to love yourself, to accept with all your shortcomings. This is a characteristic that, with diligent, purposeful studies, lends itself well to correction.

    It is advisable to engage in self-development, gain new knowledge, skills and impressions... The more pumped and broader the horizons, the more a person is self-confident. In addition, he becomes an interesting interlocutor and people notice this, are drawn to him, begin to say compliments.

    By the way, about compliments... Learn to accept them with the air of an English queen. There is no need to make excuses for the phrase "How good you look!"

    Excuses should never be overused.... A person with good self-esteem is confident in himself, so he is responsible for all his actions and does not need to apologize.

    Learn to create good things for yourself, smile and praise yourself for any reason.... Got up off the couch to clean the floor? "What a fine fellow I am!" But if you didn’t get up, then you don’t need to scold yourself. Say, "Let my gorgeous legs rest a little."

    Forgive yourself for mistakes, everyone makes them.... You need to get rid of the feeling of guilt, it is directed against yourself.

In the process of working to increase self-perception, save yourself from communicating with toxic people who criticize and devalue, let them pour their poison in the other direction. When you love yourself, their opinion will become indifferent to you, or you will be able to respond adequately.

(method of S.A. Budassi)

Consider four blocks of qualities, each of which reflects one of the levels of personality activity:

1. self-esteem in the field of communication.

2. self-reported behavior.

3. self-esteem in the field of activity.

4. self-assessment of one's own emotional manifestations.

Here are four sets of positive human qualities. You need to select from the list and circle the personality traits that, in your opinion, are most significant to you personally.

List of qualities:

politeness

activity

thoughtfulness

cheerfulness

solicitude

pride

efficiency

fearlessness

sincerity

good nature

skill

gaiety

collectivism

decency

comprehensibility

soulfulness

responsiveness

courage

speed

mercy

hardness

composure

tenderness

sympathy

confidence

accuracy

love of freedom

tact

honesty

industriousness

cordiality

tolerance

conscientiousness

passion

passion

sensitivity

initiative

perseverance

bashfulness

benevolence

intelligence

accuracy

excitement

affability

persistence

attentiveness

enthusiasm

charm

determination

foresight

pity

sociability

adherence to principles

discipline

cheerfulness

binding

self-criticism

diligence

amorousness

a responsibility

independence

curiosity

optimism

frankness

equilibrium

resourcefulness

restraint

Justice

purposefulness

subsequence

satisfaction

compatibility

energy

working capacity

composure

exactingness

enthusiasm

scrupulousness

Sensitivity

Are you finished? Now find in the qualities you have chosen those that you really possess, put a tick next to it, and also find their percentage.

RESULTS.

  1. Count the number of ideal qualities.
  2. Count the number of real qualities that are on the list of ideal qualities.
  3. Calculate their percentage:

Self-esteem = Nreal * 100%

Nreal - the number of real qualities;

Nid is the number of ideal qualities.

Standard value table

Adequate self-esteem

Below the average

Above the average

Inadequately high

Self-esteem of a person can be adequate, overestimated or underestimated.

Adequate self-esteem corresponds to two positions: "average", "above average". A person with adequate self-esteem correctly correlates his capabilities and abilities, is quite critical of himself, sets realistic goals for himself, is able to predict the adequate attitude of others to the results of his activities. The behavior of such a person is basically non-conflict, in conflict he behaves constructively.

Self-assessment “ high level"," Above average ": a person deservedly appreciates and respects himself, is satisfied with himself, he has a developed sense of his own dignity. With self-esteem "average level": a person respects himself, but knows his weaknesses and strives for self-improvement, self-development.

Heightened self-esteem corresponds to the level of "inadequately high" in the psychodiagnostic scale. With an overestimated self-esteem, a person develops an idealized image of his personality. He overestimates his capabilities, focuses only on success, ignores failure.

His perception of reality is often emotional, he regards failure or failure as a consequence of someone's mistakes or unfavorable circumstances. He perceives fair criticism in his address as nit-picking. Such a person is conflicted, inclined to overestimate the image of a conflict situation, in a conflict he behaves actively, betting on victory.

Low self-esteem corresponds to positions: "low" and "below average". With low self-esteem, a person has an inferiority complex. He is insecure, timid and passive. Such people are distinguished by their excessive demands on themselves and even more demanding on others. They are boring, whiners, they see only shortcomings in themselves and in others.

Such people are conflicted. The causes of conflicts often arise from their intolerance of other people. Self-esteem can be positive (high) and negative (low), as well as optimal and suboptimal.

With optimal self-esteem a person correctly correlates it with his capabilities and abilities, is quite critical of himself, seeks to really look at his successes and failures, sets achievable goals for himself. He approaches the assessment of the achieved not only with his own personal standards, but tries to foresee how other people will react to this.

But self-esteem can also be suboptimal - too high or too low.

On the basis of overestimated self-esteem, a person develops a misconception about himself. In such cases, a person ignores failures for the sake of preserving the habitual and high self-esteem of a loved one. There is an acute emotional "repulsion" of everything that violates the ideal self-image.

A person with an overestimated and inadequate self-esteem does not want to admit that all his failures are the result of his own mistakes, laziness, lack of knowledge, abilities or wrong behavior. A clear overestimation of one's capabilities is very often accompanied by inner self-doubt. All this leads to increased impressionability and chronic helplessness.

If high self-esteem is plastic, changes in accordance with the real state of affairs - it increases with success and decreases with failures, then this can contribute to the development of the personality, the goals set, to develop their abilities and will.

Self-esteem can be underestimated. Usually this leads to self-doubt, timidity and lack of initiative, the inability to realize their inclinations and abilities. Such people limit themselves to solving everyday tasks, they are too critical of themselves. Low self-esteem destroys a person's hopes for a good attitude towards him, and he perceives his real achievements and a positive assessment of others as accidental and temporary.

As a result of high vulnerability, the mood of such people is subject to frequent fluctuations. They react extremely sharply to criticism, censure, biasedly interpret the laughter of others, turn out to be suspicious and, as a result, more dependent on the assessments and opinions of the people around them, or retire, but then suffer from loneliness.

Underestimating one's usefulness reduces social activity, lowers initiative and readiness to compete.

Guess who is the most infallible and sober evaluator of your own self? This is a child. ... He is free from doubts, fears, uncertainty, assessments of others, does not notice sidelong glances. He's just who he is. He believes that this is good, and as evidence he receives confirmation of boundless love from his parents and relatives. This is just an example of normal, adequate self-esteem. Low self-esteem - when we start to perceive ourselves critically, we stop loving ourselves. Maybe it was our parents who instilled it in us, maybe our work colleagues, bosses, maybe friends and girlfriends, neighbors. But the fact remains - we believed it. They believed that we were worse, began to compare ourselves with someone and, alas, not in our favor. Or, on the contrary, high self-esteem, when a person is constantly told that he is the very best, that the whole world is only for him, that everything will be the way he wants.

If you have low self-esteem

If you often doubt yourself, are afraid to upset someone, think about others more than about yourself, feel shy, feel out of place, constantly look back at what they think of you, how it will look from the outside, you do not know how accept gifts, compliments, it seems to you that you are not worthy, are afraid to talk about your desires, save on yourself, deny yourself in many ways, this indicates low self-esteem. There can be a great variety of reasons for low self-esteem: age, presence / absence of a husband, children, social status, financial situation, personal achievements, appearance, the list can be almost endless.

Let's consider the most common ones:

1. Desire to please and please others. A woman who suffers from a lack of love for herself, seeks to get it from others. She adjusts, strives to please, often she has a little ingratiating look. She carefully verifies words, deeds, actions, precisely with sensation, and how she will be perceived, and God forbid someone will think badly of her. Often she lives in the feeling that it is important for her to please everyone, without exception, everyone - period. She is very dependent on the opinions of others, in everything, not only in own behavior, but also in the behavior of her children, cats, dogs. Sometimes it is easier for her to rein in a child, even yell at him, than to look bad in the eyes of a teacher, teacher, and so on. Her actions are mainly guided by the thought "What will others think of me?"

2. Passion for diets, obsession with appearance. The desire to look good is a natural desire for most women, but for women with low self-esteem, this desire develops almost into a phobia. Chasing another diet, torturing yourself with various cosmetic procedures in order to look "perfect". Self-flagellation and criticism of one's appearance. Striving for the ideal and life and in the expectation that the loss of extra pounds will make her happy. Libra strives for that very figure, but for some reason happiness does not increase, there are new reasons to be dissatisfied with yourself.

3. Fear of communication. A woman obsessed with complexes will never dare to start a conversation first. She is afraid that they will not pay attention to her, they will refuse her and not keep the conversation going. Such a person behaves very unnaturally, squeezed or, conversely, too relaxed, vulgar. Often she is afraid to look into the eyes of the interlocutor, looks as if through, over, suddenly she sees disapproval, condemnation or assessment in these eyes, which she is so afraid of. It is because of this that most women with low self-esteem are afraid to create deep, sincere relationships with their partner, because they are afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to trust, become defenseless, such as they really are, and put on the mask of "iron ladies" , but then they themselves suffer.

As you can see, low self-esteem makes a person squeezed, leaving him aside. The result is dissatisfaction and a sense of hopelessness.

What to do with high self-esteem

If you are always sure of what you are doing, you think that the last word should remain with you, blame other people and / or the circumstances for all your troubles, if you do not know how to apologize and ask for forgiveness, if it is important for you to be better than everyone and look ideal, but you are afraid to trust and do not like to show your weakness and defenselessness, you like to teach everyone, then these are sure signs that your self-esteem is overestimated.

The most common examples of high self-esteem are:

1. Arrogance. Such a person places himself above others. He constantly evaluates the appearance and status, is fixated on "his circle" of communication. Likes to humiliate and ridicule other people in public. He will not ask for forgiveness, even if he understands and accepts his guilt. Such people believe that it is better to destroy the relationship and be alone than to admit that they are wrong.

2. Obsession with your opinion. There is even such famous expression: "Do you want to be right or happy?" If you strive to be right everywhere and everywhere, insist on your own, does not know how to admit your mistakes, then sooner or later this path will lead to internal self-destruction.

3. Painful reaction to criticism. Inadequate perception of criticism, even the smallest remark is perceived with hostility. After all, criticism makes it clear that people are imperfect, everyone has their own shortcomings, but admitting all this for such a person is unacceptable. As a result, a lot of effort is spent on maintaining an unshakable image. People with high self-esteem have very few real friends, sincere, close ones. Often they have difficulties in their personal life, in relationships with a partner, or simply their absence. In any relationship with other people, tension, conflict, alienation arise, be it at home, relatives, work colleagues, partners.

Self-esteem is a very interesting thing.... As a rule, we assign to ourselves, and then reproduce the estimates that parents gave us in childhood.

Inertia is a great force!

The metaphor is as follows: how a person learned to walk, ride a bicycle, hold a racket while playing tennis, so he automatically continues to do so. No wonder they say: "Habit is second nature." Any teacher will tell you: it is much more difficult to retrain than to teach correctly from the beginning. It's much easier to keep doing the old way! Which we do, automatically continuing to treat ourselves the way our parents treated us in childhood.

Useful automatism.

There is a lot of automaticity in our life! And this, on the one hand, is good! Imagine if EVERY action, like brushing your teeth, needs to be re-learned every day! Nightmare!

Harmful automatism.

However, automatism is also bad, since we have “memorized” many actions incorrectly, dysfunctionally, not in the best way. And often, just out of habit, we continue to AUTOMATICALLY negatively think about ourselves, automatically perform actions and have attitudes that MAKE US HAPPY!

At the same time, we have high rhythms of life, there is not enough time to notice this, you need to run somewhere all the time, to achieve something, to be in time somewhere. We do all this for the most part automatically, in ways that were mastered in childhood up to 3-5 years! And these methods are far from always effective.

How do you stop this?

Most often it happens like this: a person automatically lives in such an automatic way for up to 30-40 years. Having literally reached the point, having gone through the same "circles of hell" many, many times, that is, repetitive situations and the same type of relationship, a person is disappointed, mentally hurt, exhausted. “Having passed my earthly path halfway, I found myself in a gloomy forest” - Dante, “The Divine Comedy”. Then the person stops his automatic movement and creatively revises his life. Well, or a bad option - alcohol, drugs, depression, destruction of relationships, etc.

If

Ah, if we could stop earlier, think, and realize our automatisms, those that make us unhappy, then realizing, we would probably invest much more effort in changing them! And life would become happier, and many problems could have been avoided! Such problems are solved by psychotherapy. However, unfortunately, in most cases people turn to a psychologist only when they find themselves "in a gloomy forest", literally "on the wreckage of an old life."

Returning to self-esteem, I will summarize that it "works" in an automatic mode.

Example: Your parents didn't really praise, supported you in your hobby for drawing (or whatever). They were, in general, not against, but looked at your artwork as a cute daub. You have grown up fully aware that your parents are still connoisseurs of art, and they don't give a damn about great artists, so to speak. However, you, persistently continuing to draw, from time to time vaguely catch yourself thinking that your "daub" is unlikely to be of interest to anyone other than you, and even more so, will be sold. Therefore, YOUR ACTIVITY, both in drawing itself and in demonstrating your work to others, and in promoting them to exhibitions and markets, will be LOW.

Continuing self-deception.

At the same time, you can at a conscious level believe in yourself, consider it necessary to promote your work. Only here you will not have enough ENERGY for this. You may feel this as "banal" laziness, or as a general reduced tone, you may even conclude that you "just" lack talent. This is such self-deception.

Why do we need high self-esteem?

Have you ever wondered why we are chasing high self-esteem?

Yes, in order to maintain a high level of energy and activity in any (and especially, in a bad and difficult) situation! Energy is the ability to CONTRIBUTE, invest your energy in a successful activity. And in order to invest energy, you must HAVE it! This is the main problem! Low self-esteem consumes energy.

Do you have energy?

Anyone who says he has no energy is delusional. Everyone has energy! However, someone spends it mostly on self-realization and achievement, while someone turns it against themselves, spending it on creating bodily diseases and organizing their own mental suffering (naturally, all this is unconscious).

The whole point is in HOW a person handles his energy.

As a practicing gestalt therapist, I affirm that answering this question is the first task of ANY person on the path to a better life: “How do you handle your energy? What are you spending it on? What are you investing in? " To answer these questions correctly, you need to be aware of yourself!

Awareness- this is the opposite of automatism, a way out of it. Being aware of how you are using your energy here and now leads to a new, creative, better adaptation to the current situation.

As a rule, we have no time for awareness, and therefore, for most people, energy is associated with automatisms. This is where the feeling comes from that “I don’t pull my dreams”, “I don’t have the strength to implement and complete my projects, and so I live on the brink of my capabilities”.

Decide that "everything is bad" or look for a way out?

A considerable percentage of the energy is ruined by worries precisely about their self-esteem, when external events are perceived "too" personally. All these events must mean something negative personally about you. For example, that you are not worthy, or that you bad person that something is wrong with you, or that life is giving you a sign of cancellation. The result is that you are mired in painful experiences of guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and disappointment. And this is instead of looking for support inside and outside of ourselves, to resolve the situation, and not to confuse it even more.

Well. And now about good self-esteem.

Good self-esteem supported from two points - from the inside and outside.

Good self-esteem from the inside is our positive attitude towards ourselves: accepting our weaknesses and imperfections, as well as recognizing our strengths, abilities and desires. But, this is in general!

SPECIFICALLY, in order to HAVE self-esteem at all, you need to BE someone yourself, you need to feel yourself, to meet with YOURSELF. Yes, plus you need to study yourself and love! And this is WORK, friends! Many of us make a conclusion about ourselves without doing this work. This conclusion is FALSE! This is not a SELF-rating. It is impossible to rely on such a conclusion, and there is no energy there!

After all, self-esteem is

1. OWN assessment of yourself. This is when YOU evaluate yourself, and on the basis of YOUR experiences of yourself, YOUR ideas and values ​​(NOT on the basis of thoughts, and even more so of others). AND

2. when you are able to HOLD this self-esteem in spite of the assessments of other people, it does not matter whether these assessments of other people are higher or lower than yours!

An example of good self-esteem from the inside.

Let's say you feel that you are not fully discovering your emotional potential in relationships with people, you feel that there are zones where you are open, and there are zones where you are constrained and frozen. If you have such an assessment of yourself (this is your self-esteem), then you keep it, even if someone tells you that you are “super emotional”, and someone that is “completely squeezed”.

This is easy to do if your self-esteem is based on your real EXPERIENCE OF YOURSELF, in this particular case, on the experience and knowledge of your emotional zones (with Vasya I am emotionally open, and with Olya I am squeezed). You can rely on such self-esteem, it contains real KNOWLEDGE that gives energy.

Good self-esteem on the outside.

Sounds a little crazy, especially after all of the above. However, good self-esteem must be REALISTIC, that is, it must be confirmed from the outside by reality and other people!

And reality is a slippery topic.

Are you a good writer? Or as in the joke: “I don’t know, I haven’t tried it”?

After all, on the one hand, you certainly cannot be a good writer if you have not written anything! On the other hand, there are as many opinions as there are people. Let's say you still wrote a couple of essays. Someone will rate these works of yours as brilliant, someone will remain indifferent, and someone will rate it as "garbage".

NO OBJECTIVE REALITY! However, there are many subjective opinions - realities, and there are tacit agreements between people!

Example: the novel "Anna Karenina". Everyone reads his own "Anna Karenina", OWN INTERPRETATION of her. However, such a book also EXISTS, and there is an agreement that it is a masterpiece of world literature!

External self-esteem support.

But I'm not even talking about that now. And that each of us absolutely needs the SUPPORT of our self-esteem by other people. Without such support, it is simply IMPOSSIBLE to maintain a good, high level of vital energy in communication, writing essays and other achievements! Since a lot of effort will be spent on the invisible fight against non-recognition.

You must be recognized by people!

External support is absolutely necessary, without it, self-esteem will periodically collapse! Let it be the support of at least one person! If you do not have the support of people in an important issue for you, then you need to win it! If you do not know how to conquer, then LEARN!

There is safety in numbers.

If you are alone against a group of people, then, most likely, the group will ignore or displace you, and your self-esteem will have nothing to rely on in external reality. Therefore, it will periodically collapse. You will be confronted with the REALITY that none of the people really recognized your value in that, the other, the third question.

The lack of support for your self-esteem from the outside, or simply not recognition, is a difficult and very energy-consuming situation.

Example: a question from several of my clients from psychotherapeutic practice: how to maintain a high opinion of yourself as a woman, if by the age of 30-40 not a single relationship with a man really developed? These women, of course, can rely on inner self-esteem, learn to appreciate and love themselves. And of course, this is much better than thinking badly of yourself. This is a valuable achievement and a very important resource! Without this, further strengthening of self-esteem is impossible.

But this is not enough, because with a good or bad opinion of themselves, they still end up in isolation, remain single women. To prevent this from happening, you need to enlist the support of a group of people, in this case, men!

And for this you need to act, to conquer them! At the same time running the risk of rejection, criticism and indifference of these same men.

And so, at this point we come to relationships, to the world of people.

You need to enter and be in a relationship, find value in a variety of relationships! Win recognition of your value from other people! Life is a relationship. We are all interdependent.